<FONT size=3> </FONT><FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2>1-A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks <br> the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" <br> The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." <br> The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. <br> "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" <br> The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!" <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 2-There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one <br> of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the <br> City." <br> The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a <br> larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World." <br> On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign <br> which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block." <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 3- A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his <br> lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the <br> cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver <br> stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' <br> driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and <br> asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. <br> Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first <br> one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are <br> still on the lorry, and look happy. <br> "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," <br> shouted the first driver. <br> The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so <br> we're going to the cinema now." <br> (Present continuous / just for fun) <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 4-One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At <br> the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put <br> their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The <br> young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that <br> if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He <br> ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. <br> The instructor told him he would not take the test. <br> The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" <br> The prof said, "No and I don't care." <br> The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I <br> am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile <br> of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air. <br> "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed. <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 5- A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. <br> The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and <br> took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. <br> The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and <br> asked her what was wrong. <br> "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. <br> The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and <br> shouldn't say things to insult passengers." <br> "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and <br> give him a piece of my mind." <br> "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your <br> monkey." <br></FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 6- James was walking down the road one morning when he met his <br> friend Danny. <br> "Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one <br> hand and none on the other. Did you know?" <br> "Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you <br> see." <br> "The Weather forecast?" <br> "Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one <br> hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be <br> some rain." <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 7- A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged <br> to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon <br> discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he <br> thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and <br> finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad <br> words embarrassed him very much. <br> As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the <br> parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him <br> with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use <br> those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. <br> Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw <br> him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside <br> the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the <br> door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words <br> and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer <br> , threw the bird into it, and closed the door. <br> This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened <br> the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the <br> shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder <br> and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened: <br> "I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did <br> they say?" <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 8-A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. <br> The bartender says "What can I get you?" <br> Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? <br> Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): <br> No, I'm afraid we don't. <br> And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar. <br> The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, <br> hops up on a bar stool. <br> Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you? <br> Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? <br> Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK? <br> The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door. <br> The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some <br> glasses when he hears a familiar voice <br> Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes? <br> The bartender is really ticked off. <br> Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here <br> yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY <br> GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here <br> I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the <br> floor. GOT me pal? <br> And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out. <br> The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, <br> walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, <br> "What the heck do YOU want?" <br> Umm. do you have any nails? <br> What!? OF course not. <br> Oh. Well, do you have any grapes? </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 9-A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The <br> vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to <br> the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out <br> of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog <br> doesn't do anything. <br> The doctor say "Your dog is dead." <br> The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill. <br> "That'll be $325" says the receptionist. <br> "What! $325? How's that possible?" <br> "It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan." <br> </FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2> 10-The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. <br> Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce <br> the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with <br> a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like <br> "Havaii," with a "v" sound. <br> Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him <br> which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student <br> who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man. <br> The old man said "you're velcome." <br> </FONT>
[此贴子已经被作者于2005-11-12 10:32:01编辑过]
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