Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."
最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。"你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，"她低声说道："坚持不懈是一种美德。"
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"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，"打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。"我们怎样才能把它弄出来？"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
"弄一些面包屑，"调度员说，"从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。"
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。"你们将它弄出来了吗？"调度员问。
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
"没有，"打电话的人答道，"现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。"
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"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.
"有好消息，也有坏消息，"离婚律师告诉他的当事人。
"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"
"我总能利用一些好消息吧，"当事人吧了口气说，"是什么好消息？"
"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."
"你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。"
"And the bad news?" "那么坏消息呢？"
"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."
"离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。"
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At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"你为什么这么高兴？"有人嚷道，"你没击中!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."
"啊，"剑手答道，"你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。"
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A novice lion tamer was being interviewed.
一位驯狮新手正在接受采访。
"I understand your father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried.
"我知道你的父亲也是个驯狮手，"记者说。
"Yes, he was," the man replied.
"他过去是。"那人回答说。
"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"
"你真的把头伸进过狮子的嘴里吗？"
"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."
"只有一次，"那位驯狮新手说，"为了找我爸爸。"
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The squad were having "visual training". One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:
班里正在进行"视力训练"。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫的回答:
"Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir."
"十六个士兵和一个中士，长官。"
"Right; but how do you know there's a sergeant there?"
"正确。可你如何知道那儿有一个中士？"
"He's not doing any digging, sir."
"他不干活，长官。"
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As a newly commissinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle. While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16's bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.
作为一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通过擦拭自己的M-16式自动步枪给全排作个榜样。我们一块擦枪，一名战士抱怨由于M-16的枪栓枪膛的特别凹形结构，擦起来十分困难。
"Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with," the soldier said
"中尉，应该制造一种擦这枪的工具。"士兵说。
"They do," piped up a sergeant.
"已经制造出来了。"一军士尖叫。
"Really," I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.
"真的？"我十分诧异，纳闷为什么我们没有定购这种工具。
"Yes, sir," replied the sergeant. "It's called a soldier."
"真的，长官，"军士答道，"它就是士兵。
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My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.
我和连长在面试我们炮兵部队侦察中士一职的候选人。被选的士兵要求有敏锐的观察力及快速的反应力。
During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"
在一次面试时，连长指着一英里外的一座小山问一名年轻的中士："你能看见那座山吗？"
"Yes, sir." he replied.
"是的，长官。"他回答道。
"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"
"你能看见那座山上的无线电天线吗？"
那士兵又说他能。"那么，"连长接着说："你能看见停在天线上的那只鸟吗？"
The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."
那名中士身体前倾，眼睛眯成一条缝。"看不见，长官，"他说，"但我听见它在唱歌。"
He got the job.
他得到了那份工作。
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The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area. After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.
我作为美国空军人员分遣部队的一员驻扎在英国皇家空军某某地，那里有一条狭窄的马路蜿蜒穿过拥挤的居民区。因为多次出现汽车撞伤行人一类不甚严重的车祸，美国空军司令员决定将车速限制在每小时三英里。
Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant issued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h. I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep's speed so exactly.
新的车速限制公布后不久，一名骑警中士因一名吉普车司机开车时速达五英里而给他开了一张超速传票。我很想知道骑警是怎样如此精确地知道那辆吉普车的速度的。
"I was jogging to get to the PX before it closed," he explained, "and as I passed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h."
"我遛达着要在邮局关门之前到达那里，"他解释道："当我超过吉普车时，我注意到计速器指向了每小时五英里。"
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One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她："放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。"
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!
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On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."
当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说："再见，美奇。"
Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."
女儿挥着手说，"再见，美妮。"
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."
丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道："再见，美元。"
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Mr. and Mrs. Jones very seldom go out in the evening, but last saturday, Mrs. Jones said to her husband, "There is a good film at the cinema tonight. Can we go and see it?"
琼斯夫妇晚上很少出门，但上星期六，琼斯太太对丈夫说："电影院今晚有场好电影，我们去看好吗？"
Mr. Jones was quite happy about it, so they went, and both of them enjoyed the film.
琼斯先生很乐意，于是他们就去了。两个人都喜欢那部电影。
They came out of the cinema at 11 o'clock, got into their car and began driving home. It was quite dark. Then Mrs. Jones said, "Look, Bill. A woman's running along the road very fast, and a man's running after her. Can you see them?"
晚上十一点，他们从电影院出来，钻进汽车，开始驾车回家。天很黑。这时，琼斯太太说："看，比尔。一个女人在沿街狂奔，一个男人在后猛追不舍。你看到了吗？"
Mr. Jones said, "Yes, I can." He drove the car slowly near the woman and said to her, "Can we help you?"
琼斯先生说："是的，看到了。"他慢慢把车开近那女人，说道："你需要帮忙吗？"
"No, thank you," the woman said, but she did not stop running. "My husband and I always run home after the cinema, and the last one washes the dishes at home!"
"不，谢谢，"女人答道，但她没有放慢速度，"我丈夫跟我在看完电影后，经常跑步回家，后到家的洗碗涮碟。"
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Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress my Mom. I brought her to Las Vegas for dinner at Caesar's Palace. Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $45."
我当演员取得成功后，想在妈妈面前炫耀一番。于是，我带着她到拉斯维加斯的凯撒宫去吃饭。在菜谱中有道菜是"孪生龙虾--45美元。"
"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked. "I know how much you like lobster."
"你为什么不点那个呢，妈？
"我问道："我知道你很喜欢吃龙虾了。"
She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?"
她满眼狐疑地看着我，然后摇了摇头。"他们怎么知道它们确实是孪生的呢？"
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Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.
在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.
我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。"零钱不用找了。"他说。
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It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。"你为什么而被起诉？"他问。
"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"采购圣诞节物品过早。"被告答。
"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"这不算犯法，"法官回答，"你购物多早？"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
在商店开门之前，"犯人应道。 |
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