When Is It OK To Fight In Front Of The Kids?
After a little tiff with her husband, a friend wrote recently about her dismay at seeing her seven-month-old baby's reaction. The little guy was actually 'watching us, his little head flitting from my face to (my husband's) face. It freaked me out,' my friend wrote.
In response to a recent post on resolving conflicts in a marriage, many of you shared thoughtful and sometimes opposing views on an important question: Is it OK to argue with your spouse in front of the kids? And if so, how?
As my friend's experience shows, children are kind of like little litmus strips, the canaries in the coal mine of marital stress: they absorb the emotional climate around them. Posting here, another mother was similarly alarmed when her three-year-old son, after seeing her and her husband have a minor disagreement, stomped angrily up to his father and chastised him for 'being mean to Mama.'
In thoughtful comments, some of you aired the 'little pitchers have big ears' view, that parents should avoid fighting in front of the kids. But other commenters said children 'need to see examples of healthy disagreements and resolution,' as one poster wrote. An adult child of divorce added: 'My parents almost never fought, and they were suddenly divorced. I personally think it's good for (children) to see glimpses of your struggles, so they understand that marriage really is for better or for worse.'
One marriage expert says parents' behavior should depend on the age of their kids, and also on a tougher criterion: how the couple argue. John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington and author of several books on marriage, recommends that babies never witness parents' fights; infants' blood pressure actually rises when they sense conflict and they may have a hard time calming down afterward, he writes in 'And Baby Makes Three.'
Between the ages of 4 and 8, he says, it's OK to have minor disagreements in front of the kids, but make sure to resolve it in front of them and either kiss and make up, or use words to explain to the children that you've worked out the problem. With older children, though, arguments raise two fears: that their parents will break up, and also that they're the cause of the dispute. They need reassurance that parents can work out their differences providing you can offer it honestly.
A new study underscores that it's how parents fight in front of the kids not whether they fight that matters most. Parents who disagree in constructive ways, by actively solving problems together and continuing to show affection for each other during disputes can actually aid their kids' development, says research on 235 families published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Children who witnessed these kinds of parental disputes also tended to be more emotionally secure and well-adjusted socially. In contrast, children whose parents showed aggression or hostility during arguments, or behaved in passive-aggressive ways, withdrawing or giving their partners the silent treatment, tended a year later to be measurably less secure and to show more social problems, as reflected by parent and teacher questionnaires.
Readers, how do you decide whether and when to air disputes with your spouse or partner in front of the kids? What effect do your conflicts have on your kids, and have you found other ways to help your children through them? |
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