How slow are things on Wall Street?
It's the worst IPO market in five years. M&A activity is at a crawl. The Dow just fell back into a bear market.
And for three days, I've racked my brains to fabricate a connection between Sarah Palin and Wall Street so I won't have to write another piece about Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.
Like everyone else on Wall Street, I'm desperately trying to do something when there is precious little to do.
That can be hard work. You need a strategy. Here are four of them for a banker to cope with dull days on Wall Street.
Strategy #1: The Waterboy: When there is little going on with outside clients, the smart banker turns to inside clients — his boss, his boss's boss and other powers that be — and volunteers for anything and everything as the Waterboy.
You need someone to draft a memo on cost-cutting initiatives or scrub the revenue pipeline or travel to Michigan for M.B.A. recruiting or join the associate review committee. No problem. No task is too small for the Waterboy. He's a team player.
Humiliating? Demeaning? Perhaps. But better a busy Waterboy than a second-string banker on the unemployment line.
Strategy #2: The Client Guy: The Client Guy understands that if God gives you lemons, you make lemonade. 'I love it when business is slow,' he barks at the Monday morning meeting, 'It gives me a chance to spend some quality time with my clients.'
Does he actually believe that? You hope not. But it beats whining like everyone else.
The Client Guy dutifully sets up meetings, gets on planes and takes the same clients through the same pitchbooks he showed them six months ago. But hey — look how much better the earnings dilution on that deal is now!
For the Client Guy, the cup is always half full. It has to be. Otherwise, on a beautiful warm September day, he'd head straight to the golf course and not to JFK for the four-hour trip to Dallas in the back of an MD-80.
Strategy #3: The Street Fighter: The Street Fighter also makes himself very busy. Not with clients, but furiously selling himself to anyone that will listen. He knows modesty has no place on Wall Street, especially when bonus money is scarce.
The Street Fighter is everywhere. He drops by to see the division head every two weeks and sends him a daily 'urgent' email. He makes the rounds of all the N.Y. headhunters. He interviews at any bank that will see him. And he books scores of conference rooms in N.Y. for client meetings that strangely never transpire
The Street Fighter's specialty is fighting for revenues. Every penny of every deal he's remotely touched is 'his.' He labors for days on his own self-evaluation until he has a laundry list of deals and a revenue contribution well north of $20 million.
And then the Street Fighter ties it all together by going from colleague to colleague to make sure they back his claims up. He begs, threatens and makes extravagant promises. All that trading and subterfuge is exhausting. A slow Wall Street? Not for the Street Fighter.
Strategy #4: The Vacationer: This last strategy is perhaps the most radical. Wall Street vacations are traditionally taken in August. But the bold banker who has already booked a year's worth of revenues can demonstrate his uber-confidence by taking off a leisurely week or two post-Labor Day.
'I've been so busy all summer that I just need some time for myself,' the Vacationer will sigh as he heads out the door. He had better be untouchable. His boss and peers will foam at the mouth with envy and plot revenge with all their free time.
And nowadays on Wall Street, there's plenty of that.
Evan Newmark
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