现在我只是不让这气氛凝集，希望免受被牵被捆被压的种种纠缠。我又这么痴想着，到离去的一刻，最好恰在沉酣的睡眠中，既泯能想，自无所想。虽然觉醒之后，已经是大海孤轮中的独客，不免引起深深的惆怅；然而最难堪的一关已成过去，情形便自不同了。

This time I will not allow that atmosphere to solidify, hoping thus to avoid all the snares of being pulled, bound and constricted. I have this wish that when the time comes to leave, it will be right in the middle of a deep sleep when the power to think has vanished and therefore there will be nothing of which to think. And yet, on awakening to find oneself a lonely traveller on a lone ship in the midst of the ocean, it will be impossible to avoid feeling a profound melancholy; but the hardest part will already have sped by and the situation will not be the same.

然而这气氛终于会凝集拢来。走进家里，看见才洗而缝好的被袄，衫袴长袍之类也一叠叠地堆在桌子上。这不用问，是我旅程中的同伴了。“偏要这么多事！既已弄了，为什么不早点儿收拾好！”我略微烦躁地想。但是必须带走既属事实，随时预备尤见从容，我何忍说出责备的话呢——实在也不该责备，只该感激。

And yet that atmosphere does solidify and accumulate after all. I walk into my home and see the newly washed and mended bedding, shirts, trouser and gowns all piled up on the table. There is no need to ask – these are my travelling companions. “With so much to do and everything already arranged, why couldn’t these have been packed earlier?” I think with slight annoyance. And yet since it is already established that they must be taken away they can be made ready at any time and how can I be heartless enough to be reproachful? In fact, I should not be reproachful but grateful.



然而我触着这气氛了，而且嗅着它的味道了，与上年在旅馆里所感到的正是同一的种类，不过还没有这样浓密而已。我知道它将要渐渐地浓密，犹如西湖上晚来的烟雾；直到最后，它具有一种强大的力量，便会把我一挤；我于是不自主地离开这里了。

And yet I am coming up against that atmosphere, I am smelling its odour which is exactly the same as the one I sensed last year in the hotel, only that was not as thick as this. I know that it will gradually thicken like the evening mist over West Lake; in the end it will possess a great force which will bear down on me so that I cannot leave here freely.

我依然谈话，写字，吃东西，躺在藤椅子上；但是都有点异样，有点儿不自然。

I talk as usual, write, eat, lie in the rattan chair, but it is all a bit different, a bit unnatural.



夜来有梦，梦在车站月台之旁。霎时火车已到，我急忙把行李提上去，身子也就登上，火车便疾驰而去了。似乎还有些东西遗留在月台那边，正在检点，就想到遗留的并不是东西，是几个人。这很奇怪，我竟不曾向他们说一声“别了”，竟不曾伸出手来给他们；不仅如此，登上火车的时候简直把他们忘了。于是深深地悔恨，怎么能不说一声，握一握手呢！假若说了，握了，究竟是个完满的离别，多少是好。“让我回头去补了吧！让我回头去补了吧！”但是火车不睬我，它喘着气只是向前奔。

I had a dream in the night. I dreamed I was on a platform at the railway station. The train arrives in a flash, I quickly lift in my luggage, get on board and the train swiftly departs. I feel as if I have left something on the platform, and as I check I realize it is not things that I have left there but people. The strangest thing is that I did not say a single goodbye, nor did I give them my hand; not only that, when I got on the train, I forgot them completely. I am filled with regret – how could I not have said anything or even shaken hands? It is like saying that shaking hands – the more the better – makes a parting complete. “Let me go back and make up for it! Let me go back and make up for it!” But the train ignores me and races on full steam ahead.

这梦里的登程，全忘了月台上的几个人，与我所痴心盼望的酣睡时离去，情形正相仿佛。现在梦里的经验告诉我，这只有勾引些悔恨，并不见得会比较好些。那么，我又何必作这种痴想呢？然而清醒地说一声握一握的离别，究竟何尝是好受的！

My departure in this dream when I completely forget the people on the platform is quite different from my hopeful fancy of leaving in the midst of blissful sleep. The experience of this dream tells me that such a departure would only arouse regrets and is by no means necessarily any better. So why do I have such fancies? And yet, after all, how can parting be easy when one is awake, with just a word and a shaking of hands?



“信要写得勤，要写得详；虽然一班轮船动辄要隔三五天，而厚厚的—叠信笺从封套里抽出来，总是独客的欣悦与安慰。”

“You should write lots of letters with plenty of detail; even though there’s a gap of three or five days between each steamer, it is always a great delight and comfort to a lonely traveller to pull out a thick wad of letters from a package.”

“未必能够写得怎样勤怎样详吧。久已不干这勾当了；大的小的粗的细的种种事情箭一般地射到身上来，逐一对付已经够受了，知道还有多少坐定下来执笔的功夫与精神！”

“I may not be able to write much or in great detail. I haven’t been in that line for quite some time; I’m bombarded with all kinds of things – big, little, thick, thin – and it’s enough dealing with them one at a time, so who knows how much time and energy I’ll have left to sit down and take up a pen!”

离别的滋味假若是酸的，这里又搀入一些苦辛的味道了。

If the taste of leaving is bitter, here it is mixed with an acrid flavour.

（Alison Bailey 译）